life

Being A Woman

Now I can say that I am proud to be a woman. Years ago when I was a teenager, I hated being a girl. Being a girl means we must experience that mood swing followed by the painful feeling every month when we are having our periods. Imagine if I were a boy. I would not have to feel all of that pains. As I grew up, I started to realize that born to be woman makes me special.

Perhaps I am lucky because I am raised by a parents who respect gender equality. I have two younger brothers, which makes my home feels so manly. The fact that never turn me into a spoiled girl. I have been taught to be a tough person since I was a kid. Just because I am a girl, I am not allowed to be weak. That is one of so many life lessons from my parents that I carry along throughout my life.

I grew up witnessing my mom works as hard as my dad. Therefore, I can never agree with our society’s perspective that getting money is men’s job and women should just stay at home. Do you know how much money you need to survive in a big city? A LOT. Imagine if only the husband who contribute on a family’s cash-flow. Unless your wealth worth seven generations, just admit, you cannot survive. Right? Okay I understand some women in Indonesia choose to be a stay-at-home mom. They must have their own reasons.

Being a woman, I often being lectured by random people (who think they have rights to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right), that I am too ambitious. I tried to find a job which earned me good income. I am too highly-educated. I don’t care about my future (read : I never try to build a serious relationship with a man). You know what? I have reached this point where I don’t care anymore to whatever they say.

Let me give short explanations below

I am too ambitious. Is it wrong if I always have certain targets in my life? Guys, life will be bored when we rely only to our destinies. If I may correct their opinions, I am not ambitious but I plan my life. For example, I have already had this plan to pursue a PhD since the beginning of my Bachelor study.

I tried to find a job which earned me good income. People say that once we get married, it is a man’s responsibility to bring money for the family. A woman is not necessary to work that hard. I am just being realistic. I am now still single and I don’t know yet when I will get married. That’s why I was trying to find a job who can fund my life. Well now I am back being a student again though.

I am too highly-educated. Well, yes. In Indonesia, when you have a title beyond a master degree behind your name, the society will judge : “It will be very hard for you to find a man who fits and compatible with you”. Most of Indonesian men are intimidated by highly-educated women. Come on, guys it’s 21st century now. However, since this is my life, I never regret my decision to pursue another higher degree now.

I don’t care about my future. I know if I stayed in Indonesia now, people would have started to warn me because of my critical age. Being a thirty years old woman who is still single is considered “dangerous”. They say, when I start a family after thirty, it will be hard for me to have a kid. That makes me think : “Does the society think that a good woman is she, who can produce children?” If I say : “I stay single because I haven’t found a man who fits my standard”, they will most probably reply : “It’s because you set your standard too high”. So, it is better for me to stay calm and go on my life. So if they say I don’t care about my future because I have not settled yet in a marriage, well, I have measure the success of my life with another parameter which might be different compared to the one that they use.

Dear fellow women, we probably live our lives in different ways. I just would like to remind you, don’t let society to tell you how to behave. Each of us is unique. Each of us has our own life values. Each of us has our own fashion style. In this world dominated by men, women should have more self-respects.

Happy international women’s day!

Growing A Year Older

When I was a teenager, I imagined by the age of 30 years old I must have become a successful person, having a steady job, and married to someone. Back then, I neither had any idea that someday I will become a scientist nor having idea about someone who will possibly become my future life partner. Well, for the last one, to be honest, I still do not have any idea up until this moment.

Today I am turning 30. I know that I have been so far away from my teenage days. However, I am sure the teenage version of me is proud of this 30 years old version of me. For those people who only know me from the outside, they might think that I have a flawless life journey. They’re wrong, of course. I have gone through some obstacles in my personal life before I am –sort of- reaching my dream.

Probably some of the people out there who talk about me behind my back (well, thank you anyway) never know that it took me 5 years dealing with more than 20 application rejections before I was finally accepted as a PhD student in Germany. I could have given up my dream, but I chose not to give up.

Having been living on earth for this long also teach me about the value of friendship. I learn that friendship is not about quantity, but it is about quality. It is not important if you have known people for years or just for months. If you guys can get along, then you have to keep the friendship. I also think that the label “best friend” is too exaggerating. When your “best friend” betrays you, the feeling is worse compared to anything. So starting from last year, even when I feel comfortable being with some people, I will just call them my “good friends”.

Talking about relationship, I have learned abundant of valuable lessons. I have experienced an unrequited love. It did hurt so bad. Believe me. I also had been close with someone for some times, without any status. And last time, I had been in a relationship with the wrong person. Yes, I have failed so far in this kind of thing. But, what I learn is that we –women-must have a self- worth. We must not lower down our standards just to allow men fit in our lives. Furthermore, I also learn that in order for a relationship to work, it needs mutual effort. When the effort is only one-sided, it will never work. Anyway, big appreciation for those guys who had been brave enough coming to my life and finding it difficult to deal with me. From them, I have learned about different personalities of men and, surprisingly, I also have learned about myself.

My twenties had been the most wonderful decade in my life so far. I completed my Bachelor and Master studies and started my PhD (yes..yes..this is going to be the last degree I pursue!). I got chances to live and study abroad. I got my first job. I earned my first salary. I learned 2 foreign languages and finally can speak those languages. I travelled to many new places. Basically, I have reached like more than half of my dreams. I reached some milestones in my twenties, as well as experienced some of my “first-times”. I failed and also got up many times. I am beyond thankful!

Now that I reach my thirty, of course I hope that I can be a better person. This is my wish every year. I will still be a person who is full of flaws. But I hope I can do more good deeds in the years to come. I hope I can finish my PhD and find a good job that can fund my life in the future. Though most Indonesians think that a woman doesn’t need to be really concern to find a well-paid job as once they get married it is the husbands’ responsibility to take care of them, in my opinion, women should be financially independent no matter what. (sorry, mom. In this case we have different perspective) And I hope I will soon meet my Mr. Right (because Mr. Perfect only exists in Fiction books).

Here is to the amazing years to come!

 

Putus

Pernah dengar lagu yang judulnya “Jatuh Cinta Itu Biasa Saja” yang dinyanyikan oleh grup band Efek Rumah Kaca beberapa tahun yang lalu?

Kita berdua tak pernah ucapkan maaf, tapi saling mengerti

Kita berdua tak hanya menjalani cinta, tapi menghidupi

Ketika rindu menggebu-gebu, kita menunggu

Jatuh cinta itu biasa saja

Liriknya sederhana, tetapi dalem. Suatu hubungan memang seharusnya seperti lirik lagu di atas, kalau mau berjalan dengan baik. Tidak perlu drama. Saya baru saja putus dengan seseorang. Kami pacaran hanya seumur jagung, tetapi diawali dengan proses pendekatan yang cukup panjang. Sekitar 1 tahun. Kenapa putus? Tidak cocok. Namun, alasan “tidak cocok” itu hanyalah sesuatu yang ada di puncak gunung es. Di bawahnya banyak sekali alasan, yang membuat saya berpikir bahwa kalau hubungan ini diteruskan, pasti akan semakin sakit untuk kami berdua.

Dia terlalu percaya dengan saya. Pasti kalian berpendapat : “Bagus dong! Jarang ada cowok yang gak posesif sama ceweknya”. Saya ingin ada seseorang yang menanyakan kabar saya dan antusias dengan kegiatan saya. Dia tidak bisa memberikan itu.

Dia tidak bisa dibantah. Banyak yang berpendapat bahwa dalam suatu hubungan, perbedaan itu indah. Tapi kalau terlalu banyak perbedaan, bisa berakhir perang. Sifat kami bertolak belakang dan kami memiliki pola pikir yang sangat berbeda. Saya sudah menyadarinya sejak pertama kali berkenalan dengan dia. Salah saya, kenapa juga mau jadian sama dia. But, anyway, shouldn’t we learn from our mistakes? Dia tipe pria yang sangat dominan. Saya pun begitu. Memang terkadang dia mengalah, tapi saya sadar bahwa dia “terpaksa” mengalah supaya situasi seakan baik-baik saja di antara kami.

Satu lagi, dia tidak (belum) bisa berkomitmen. At least berkomitmen dengan saya pada saat ini. Sedangkan, seperti yang kalian ketahui, saat ini saya tinggal di Jerman dan si beliau ini di Indonesia. Apa jadinya sebuah long distance relationship tanpa dilandasi oleh komitmen yang kuat? Bubar.

Untuk si ex, ketika saya bilang thanks for everything, itu benar-benar dari lubuk hati terdalam dan bukan basa basi. Saya belajar banyak dari proses yang sudah kita jalani ini. Mungkin saya memang terlalu keras kepala buat kamu. Semoga kamu dipertemukan dengan seseorang yang bisa membuatmu bahagia ya! Satu hal, saya tidak pernah merasa menyesal dipertemukan dengan kamu karena saya percaya Tuhan sudah merencanakan kita untuk bertemu supaya kita bisa saling belajar untuk menjadi lebih baik lagi ke depannya. 🙂

Boleh ada yang namanya mantan pacar, tapi tidak ada istilah mantan teman. Kita berawal dari teman, dan semoga akan berakhir menjadi teman lagi. Tidak ada blok-blokan media sosial. Well, karena kita bukan lagi ABG labil. Haha.

Kalau saya bilang, saya baik-baik saja setelah putus, sepertinya hati saya terbuat dari batu ya. Tentu saja saya sedih ketika mengingat segala hal baik yang pernah terjadi. Tapi hidup harus berlanjut. Masih banyak mimpi yang harus dikejar. Mudah-mudahan akan ada seseorang lagi yang datang di waktu yang tepat.

It’s not a failure. It’s another lesson learned.

 

Survival of The Fittest

Remember Darwin’s Theory on natural selections? Yeah, that theory more or less describes my current situation here in Germany. Yesterday a German colleague of mine asked : “Are you enjoy being in Germany?” I answered : “Yes I’m trying to get adapted with the Germans now”. An honest one, isn’t it? I’m not facing any difficulties, at least until this moment, in terms of my research project. The ones who are, a little bit freak me out is the people outside my research laboratory.

Even though it was my own decision to go to Germany and continue my study, sometimes I still find it hard to survive here. The situation that I am currently facing here is different compared to around 7 years ago when I started my Master study in UK. Although Germany and UK are European countries (at least before Brexit), both have totally different cultures. When I started my life in UK, everything went so smoothly. I spent one year there and I can say it was one of the best periods in my life. I thought the same thing occurred when I came to Germany. Well I was wrong. Throughout these almost 6 months I spent here in Germany, to be honest there were times when I really miss home.

Culture differences. The root of all problems that I have been dealing with so far. Do not start to compare between Indonesian and German culture because they are way too different. I consider myself as an open-minded person, unlike the average Indonesian. Yet, sometimes I still get a little bit offended by how the Germans act.  Yes, I know I cannot question why the Germans behave like they are. It is their culture and I must accept it if I want to stay and survive in their country. Perhaps, the main problem is language barrier. Now I know why everyone who enter this country must have at least basic understanding of the language. Most people here do not want to speak English, though actually they can speak the language. At this moment, I have already reached this point where I can speak and understand German language at the basic until early-intermediate level. But of course there are times when I experience misunderstandings.

Strong, independent, and never give up. Those are the values needed by anyone who would like to spend some time living abroad. Your intelligence and previous academic achievements can get you to win the scholarship. But it is your strength and persistency that can make you survive. Living abroad (especially in Europe) is not merely about having chances to visit those beautiful European countries. It is also a learning journey to become a responsible adult. I learn to manage all aspects of my life because here I can only depend on myself.

I always tell myself that not everyone brave enough to leave their home country to step their feet in a foreign land. So whenever I almost give up dealing with those people, with whom I don’t have any options other than dealing with, I remind myself that I am some of those brave people who have left their hometown to pursue their dreams. This too shall pass. Just face them, anyway.

One who quickly adapt with changes is one who survive.

Last but not least, I want to share one of my life’s philosophies :

Finish what you have started, despite all of the challenges you may face.

And probably I should re-think my plan to stay in this country after completing my PhD. Going back home will be a much smarter decision, I guess. Though that means I will definitely earn way lower salary compared with if I remain staying here. Oh, well I still have 2.5 years to think and re-think.

 

 

2018 : A Brand New Year

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It’s been a few years I didn’t made any resolutions to starting -off new years. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have targets to be reached. In fact, I become more productive without being burdened by resolutions and thus I achieve more.

2017 has been awesome. I believe 2018 will be much more awesome and exciting. The major part of my life will indeed be fulfilled with academic-related stuffs. More experiments are coming. Data collection and analysis are waiting. Apart from that, I am still required to attend some courses and write the exams. Life will be busy but I know I will enjoy it, as I learn something new every day.

This year, until at least the next two years, I am still living far away from home. It needs a little bit of sacrifice to reach your goals, right? Life is tough! Again, I am enjoying every second I spend living here, because this foreign country is now my home. Last year I experienced a little bit of culture shock with the Germans. But now I can already accept it. Just like what I have learned during the Intercultural Training organized by DAAD last time, we can ask about other people’s cultures but we can never question their cultures.

Even though this is my second time living abroad, but I feel that now I don’t have any options other than to be more independent and stronger. Independent and strong are two qualities that must be owned by everyone who decide to leave their homes to pursue their dreams abroad. Otherwise, you will not survive. When I face troubles, I can only depend on myself to solve them. But I take this as a process for me to become a real adult. And for me, this is the only way for me to grow up. If last year I didn’t make a big decision to pursue a doctoral degree in Germany, I would forever stay in my nest back there in Jakarta. Adulting is indeed a long and challenging process. This year of 2018 is the time for me to act like an adult. No more whining around (yes, that’s my weakness!) because whining will not solve any problems.

At the end of last year I decided to open up my heart and said “yes” to  a relationship. A long distance one. I know this is a little bit non-sense, but just let’s see if this can work. Honestly, as I get older, it doesn’t really matter anymore to me when all of my friends are already getting married and I am being the one who is still single in the gang. It’s better to wait until I find someone whom I can trust the rest of my life rather than rushing myself. Cause I am not looking for a boyfriend anymore. Boyfriends are for teenagers. I am looking for a life partner, instead.

In this year I hope I can travel to places I have never been before. Hopefully I have enough time and enough money.

And last but not least, this year I will try to be happier, I will share more smiles, I will serve God more, and I will pray more.

Goodbye Awesome 2017
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“It’s the possibility of having  a dream comes true that makes life interesting” -Paulo Coelho

If I should describe 2017 with one word, it would be : AWESOME.

Looking back at what have happened this year, I would like to recap some of the most important moment in my life.

It was one day in January 2017, when I just got back from Holyland, I received an email from my -then-prospective supervisor. She attached a letter, mentioning that the doctoral board accept me as a doctoral student. It took quite a long time until I got that acceptance letter. I thought if they did not accept me, then I would start the PhD hunting all over again. My journey to find a PhD position for these past 4 years has finally come to an end and another amazing adventure is waiting!

  • Got a full scholarship

This is the first time in my life, I am awarded a full scholarship to fund my study. I cannot describe how grateful I was. It was not an easy thing for me to win this scholarship. I applied for three scholarships at the same time. At first I really hoped that I could get a scholarship from Indonesian government, so that it would be easier for me if I want to go back home and continue working as a lecturer when I complete my study. However, apparently God has another plan for me. I got a scholarship from German government and I am actually do not have any obligations to go back to Indonesia

  • Resigned from my job

I had been living in my comfort zone for the past 3 years. I had a steady job and quite good income for a single lady, living in Jakarta. It was a little bit hard for me when I decided to resign. But then, I must pursue my dream anyway. And I would sacrifice my comfort zone for the sake of this dream. I resigned and was jobless for around a month. Haha.

My last year being a twenty-something girl. Yes I’m not that young anymore, but I am beyond grateful with all things that I have achieved these far. So many accomplishments I have made during my twenties. Being 29 also remind me to be more concern about my future, e.g : start seriously looking around for someone potential enough to become my future life partner (read : husband). 😀

This is surreal. This is the most surprising thing that happened to me this year. I have been dreaming of living and studying in Germany since 2012. That’s why I always targeted Germany whenever I applied for a PhD position. I remember I sent more than 20 applications and all of them were rejected. It was the moment when I almost give up when I found a Professor who works exactly in the field of my interest and he offered me a PhD position in Germany. And now here I am. Being a student again in this land of the idea. And I am so happy that now I can communicate in German.

  • Conducting a research project in the field of autoimmunity and endocrinology

Few years ago I created this personal goal that I really want to work in those 2 fields. The reason is that some of my family members suffer from diseases influenced by autoimmunity and defected endocrine system. I want to, at least, contribute to find out the cause of the disease, which currently is still unknown. I’ve never expected that I have an opportunity to conduct this research. I even didn’t know that the combination of this 2 fields exists.

  • Love life : mission unaccomplished (yet!)

It seems that my love story is the most miserable aspect in my life. I have been getting close with some guys this year, but nothing serious. Yeah, perhaps it’s a bit difficult for a guy to get settled with me – a kind of independent girl with a free soul who is currently still want to explore the world. But, fingers crossed! It takes time, no need to rush. The right person will come at the right time.

So, to sum up this year : God’s timings are always perfect.

I believe 2018 will be filled with much more amazing experiences.

On Being An Independent Woman

Beberapa waktu lalu ada seorang teman di sini yang “menegur” saya sambil bercanda : “Ella, kamu itu independen sekali ya. Tidak ada salahnya lho sekali-kali manja.”

Jawaban spontan saya : “saya geli kalau harus bermanja-manja, apalagi sama cowok”

Ya, saya dididik untuk menjadi seorang yang tangguh. Sejak saya kecil, orang tua saya tidak pernah mengajarkan saya untuk bergantung pada siapapun. Mulai dari hal sekecil merapikan tempat tidur, cuci piring, dan sebagainya, saya lakukan sendiri walaupun dulu di rumah ada ART.

Mungkin hal itulah yang membuat saya tidak pernah merasa takut tinggal berjauhan dengan orang tua. Mereka menyediakan segala fasilitas yang saya perlukan, tetapi saya sudah dibiasakan untuk mengurus keperluan saya sendiri.

Beranjak dewasa, saya mulai dekat dengan pria. Pada masa inilah saya menyadari bahwa sebagian besar pria tidak menyukai wanita yang independen. Apakah lantas saya mengubah kepribadian supaya menjadi seorang wanita yang “disukai” oleh pria? Tidak. Justru dengan kriteria ini saya bisa menyeleksi pria mana yang layak saya harapkan. Ternyata masih ada kok pria yang tidak terintimidasi dengan seorang wanita independen seperti saya. 🙂

Jujur saja, wacana tentang “wanita independen tidak disukai pria” ini sempat menghantui pikirian saya. Bagaimana kalau pria-pria itu berpikir bahwa saya terlalu picky? Tapi pada akhirnya, hey justru saya harus picky untuk hal-hal yang berkaitan dengan masa depan saya.

Saya tidak mempan dengan kata-kata puitis nan romantis. Tapi saya bisa jatuh hati dengan seseorang yang mempunyai visi jelas tentang masa depannya. Saya jatuh hati dengan seseorang yang punya mimpi. Saya jatuh hati dengan seseorang yang berorientasi pada solusi dari suatu masalah, bukan malah memperkeruh situasi. Saya jatuh hati dengan seseorang yang bisa romantis di saat yang tepat (contohnya ketika saya sakit).

Seorang wanita independen juga membutuhkan kehadiran seorang pria. Tetapi bukan pria biasa. Hanya pria tangguh yang bisa berjalan berdampingan dengan seorang wanita tangguh.

Pada akhirnya, apakah saya perlu berubah menjadi seorang wanita yang dependen? Tidak! 🙂

(Almost) two years and counting. Masih dia yang sama, yang cuek nyebelin, tapi suka tertawa terkekeh. Bedanya? Dulu jarak rumah kami hanya berkisar 5 kilometer-an, jarak kantor cuma sebatas Jakarta Pusat-Jakarta Timur. Sekarang, jarak kami ribuan kilometer ditambah beda waktu 5 jam. Tidak ada lagi dia yang naik motor samperin saya ke rumah. Hanya sesekali muncul notifikasi dari dia di layar telepon genggam saya.

Mungkin kalau dulu saya tidak ketemu dia lagi, sekarang saya gak ada di Jerman.