life

That “Sierra Burgess” In Me

Have you watched the new teenflick movie on Netflix, called “Sierra Burgess is a loser?” If you haven’t, then watch it. I don’t want to write a review about the movie here, but I just want to share how that movie relates to my life. Well, my teenage life to be exact.

I used to be like Sierra Burgess. I believe some of you experienced the same thing. I grew up during those days  when nobody thought that body-shaming is not ok. Well, even until now in my home country, people still judge you based on your physical appearance. Beauty is always associated with white skin, long straight hair, and slim body. It’s the dream of every girl to grow up into a beautiful woman under those definitions.

I still remember I had a crush on my classmate when I was in the 6th grade. I shared my feeling  to my close friend and apparently she told him that I like him (recalling those moments now makes me think how dramatic my life back then. haha). You know what he said? “I don’t like Ella, cause she is fat and ugly” How dare he could say such cruel words like that? I tried not to care about that and just went on with my life. I never see that boy again after we graduated. However, deep down inside subconsciously I believed that I was a fat and ugly girl. I believed no guys would be attracted by me. That happened for quite some times, actually.

When I entered my teenage-hood, I had a crush with someone. This time was quite deep, but I was only adoring him from afar. For years. I thought he was too good for me. I bet you can guess that I was never got a chance to be close to him. Yes, you’re right!

That situation kept going on during my college days. I had crushes on some guys during that 4 years I spent in college, but I didn’t have guts to show my feeling because I just didn’t have enough self confidence.

It was only when I reached the age of 23, I started to live my life just like what I want. I started to gain my self-confidence because I realized soon I would get my master’s degree. I was going to exceed most of Indonesian boys of my age, in terms of education. The motto “smart is the new beauty” was so catchy for me at that time.

Finally, in 2015, I met an old friend and we were sort of in a platonic relationship for some times. In an occasion, he honestly told me that he had been adoring me since years ago. He never had any courage to approach me because, in his opinion, I had always been too occupied with myself. That was the moment when I realized that I don’t need to change myself to make guys attracted to me. We didn’t meant for each other at the end, though. But thanks to him. Now I know that I’m unique for who I am.

During my last relationship, I also got a chance to ask my ex-boyfriend why he attracted to me. He said : “because you have a clear vision about what you are going to do in the future.” Again, I failed this relationship. But I started gaining even more self-confident.

The past two guys in my life were not attracted to me because of my physical appearance, but they were attracted to my inner personality.

So, why should I be worried?

Sometimes when people “humiliated” you, even when the event happened in the past and you think it didn’t affect your life, it actually affects you subconsciously. Therefore, try not to say things that make other people feel down.

And..life is not merely about getting attention from guys. Life is about improving yourself to become a better person day by day.

I’m so glad that I’m now very confident for who I am. Physically, I’m not slim but I don’t think I’m too fat either. I don’t have white skin, because I’m an Indonesian with a Javanese cultural background and not a Caucasian. So I’m proud of my brown-ish skin. I have a short and rather wavy hair because I’m comfortable this way. I’m wearing glasses and still not considering to switch them with contact lenses. I’m grateful that I’m healthy.

Everyone has that “Sierra Burgess” inside. Everyone, at certain moments, thinks to switch his/her life with other person who is prettier, smarter, and richer.

In the end, being yourself is always the best option. 🙂

This cute soundtrack from the movie has been shuffling on my playlist these past few days, because I just like it so much.

sejenak merenung

learning to not envy someone else’s blessings is what grace looks like

-Rupi Kaur

Pernah gak kamu merasa iri? Perasaan iri itu sangat manusiawi. Tapi menjadi tidak manusiawi, ketika rasa iri itu berkembang jadi apa yang kita sebut nyinyir.

Saya beberapa kali menjadi korban kenyinyiran orang-orang yang tak bertanggung jawab. Sedihnya hampir semua yang berbuat demikian adalah teman-teman sebangsa setanah air. Semenjak saya tinggal di Jerman, walau sempat mengalami culture shock, tapi saya akui hidup saya lebih tenang. Lebih tenang dari hantaman orang-orang yang iri dengan kehidupan saya. Haha. Orang Jerman tidak suka mencampuri kehidupan orang lain. Kalau orang Indonesia kan terkenal ramah dan memiliki budaya saling membantu, ya. Walau seringkali berlebihan.

Sejak saya kecil, orang tua saya sering mengajak saya dan adik-adik berlibur. Seringnya memang ke luar negeri. Bukan karena orang tua saya berlimpah harta, tapi saya tahu mereka menabung demi bisa mengajak kami berlibur ke luar negeri. Tujuannya supaya wawasan kami terbuka dan kami tidak menjadi manusia yang berpemikiran sempit. Suatu hal yang memang benar kini saya rasakan. Tapi apa komentar orang-orang di luar sana kala itu? “Ella mah anaknya orang kaya. Liburan harus ke luar negeri. Gak level liburan di Indonesia”

Kedua, ketika saya kuliah di Inggris dengan beasiswa yang hanya parsial. Lagi-lagi mereka bilang kalau saya anak orang kaya. Jadi, gampang saja kalau mau kuliah di luar negeri. Yang mereka tidak tahu adalah bagaimana perjuangan saya untuk bisa lulus dengan nilai yang baik.

Ketiga, ketika saya akhirnya mendapat pekerjaan yang cukup baik. Beberapa orang bilang bahwa saya bisa diterima di tempat itu karena ada koneksi dengan orang dalam. Yang sebenarnya terjadi adalah saya melewati semua tahapan sebelum saya diterima di tempat tersebut, dan sama sekali tidak ada orang dalam.

Iri dengan keberhasilan orang lain, tanpa berusaha memperbaiki kehidupanmu, tidak akan membuat kamu menjadi lebih baik. Di saat yang sama, orang yang menjadi objek “kebencianmu” itu sudah jauh melesat melewatimu.

Kadangkala kamu hanya mengenal sebagian dari pribadi seseorang, tetapi kamu sudah merasa berhak untuk menghakimi kehidupannya. Kamu tidak pernah tahu sekeras apa dia berusaha untuk bisa sampai pada kondisinya yang seperti sekarang.

Dan untuk kalian yang sering dijadikan objek “kebencian” (alias suka dinyinyirin), berbanggalah. Hidup kalian ternyata begitu menariknya bagi orang-orang itu.

Intinya, kalau kamu ingin seperti seseorang, kamu harus berusaha supaya bisa menjadi seperti orang itu. Bukan hanya berpangku tangan dan mengarang asumsimu sendiri.

Pernah gak saya iri? Sering. Tapi, rasa “iri” yang kadang timbul itu selalu saya jadikan sumber motivasi untuk menjadi pribadi yang jauh lebih baik daripada sebelumnya.

 

Pack Your Bag and Go!

Loving life is easy when you are abroad. Where no one knows you and you hold your life in your hands all alone. You are more master of yourself than at any other time.

-Hannah Arendt

I have recently talked to a friend on when exactly the best time for people to leave their homeland and go abroad. I told her, the age of 22 years old should be the best time for a person to go and live abroad. In my home country, Indonesia, most of the people graduate from college at 22 years old. But then, I felt so selfish because probably that age can only be applied to me.

My best friend in junior high school packed her bag and go to UK at the age of 15 years old, right after her junior high school graduation. She did not know anyone in UK back then. Now, 15 years later, she survives. She has a good job in London. I met her last time in 2016 and she seems really happy with her life. My cousin left Indonesia and moved to Germany at the age of 18 years old. She struggled a lot during her first years in Germany, but yet she also survives. Once she told me that surprisingly she is happier here.

I was 23 years old and had a perfectly happy life with my family and friends in Indonesia, when I decided to go to UK to pursue my Master’s degree. That was the first time I lived far away from my family. It was indeed hard at the beginning.

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My first day in Newcastle, UK back then in 2011. In front of my faculty.

Living abroad is always about starting another new phase of your life.

Here are  five traits of people who are ready to start a new life phase in a foreign country :

  • Independent

Any other places where your mom is not there, is not home. That was my thought long years ago. Being in a new place, where you cannot find familiar faces, you do not have any other choices except to be an independent person. It takes time to really become an independent person. Living abroad is one of the trainings to become it. You must only depend on yourself because, believe me, your friends there are also struggling to be independent.

  • Good financial management

No matter where the sources of your money come from, you must manage it carefully and wisely. Otherwise, you will end up broke in the middle of the month. Sometimes it is hard for me to answer when people ask how much money students spent averagely in one month. It really depends on your lifestyle. There are so many ways to spend your money on unimportant stuffs here. You can go to the bar every day, drinking glasses of beer. But, of course, that is not the wise option.

I made a rule for myself to only spend more than 20 Euros on weekends. During weekdays, I eat in Mensa (students’ canteen) which cost maximum 3 Euros for a proper lunch or cook at home. Usually I still have some money left in my account at the end of the month. Therefore, I can plan a trip for the following month. When I travel to a new place, I spend most of my money on foods. I have a special budget when traveling and so I never think twice on spending money when I travel as long as it is still within my travel budget.

  • Good time-management

This is the most important trait. I meet some people who are younger than me here. In my opinion, they have similar problems. They cannot manage their time properly.  First of all, you must always remember your initial purpose. Nothing should not distract you on doing your purpose. Remember, you are investing your time. You must end up being something after spending certain years abroad.

It is not easy to have a good time management. You cannot start it once you arrive in a foreign country. This is a trait that you should have grown inside yourself.

  • Open minded

Ask yourself. Can you accept a culture that is totally different compared to your own culture? Most European countries are liberal countries. All of the people, no matter his/her sexual preferences, have equal opportunities here. People have freedom to express their feeling publicly. You can see people kissing in public. And that is normal. A man and a woman can live together without any marriage status.

Can you accept that?

I am sure you will survive living abroad when you are open minded yet have a strong life principle. If you still cannot accept other people who have different opinions, then it is better for you just to stay in your homeland.

  • Hard working

Living abroad is actually not as interesting as those pictures that you see on my social media. Every single day is about an endless hardworking. There is no chance for lazy people to survive.

In the end, it is not about the age. It is about having those traits that I mentioned above inside of you. You can be 15, 18, 25 years old. When you think you are ready, just pack your bag and go!

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There is always a first time for everything. My first time presenting my research result, in front of non-Indonesian audiences.

Being A Woman

Now I can say that I am proud to be a woman. Years ago when I was a teenager, I hated being a girl. Being a girl means we must experience that mood swing followed by the painful feeling every month when we are having our periods. Imagine if I were a boy. I would not have to feel all of that pains. As I grew up, I started to realize that born to be woman makes me special.

Perhaps I am lucky because I am raised by a parents who respect gender equality. I have two younger brothers, which makes my home feels so manly. The fact that never turn me into a spoiled girl. I have been taught to be a tough person since I was a kid. Just because I am a girl, I am not allowed to be weak. That is one of so many life lessons from my parents that I carry along throughout my life.

I grew up witnessing my mom works as hard as my dad. Therefore, I can never agree with our society’s perspective that getting money is men’s job and women should just stay at home. Do you know how much money you need to survive in a big city? A LOT. Imagine if only the husband who contribute on a family’s cash-flow. Unless your wealth worth seven generations, just admit, you cannot survive. Right? Okay I understand some women in Indonesia choose to be a stay-at-home mom. They must have their own reasons.

Being a woman, I often being lectured by random people (who think they have rights to tell me what’s wrong and what’s right), that I am too ambitious. I tried to find a job which earned me good income. I am too highly-educated. I don’t care about my future (read : I never try to build a serious relationship with a man). You know what? I have reached this point where I don’t care anymore to whatever they say.

Let me give short explanations below

I am too ambitious. Is it wrong if I always have certain targets in my life? Guys, life will be bored when we rely only to our destinies. If I may correct their opinions, I am not ambitious but I plan my life. For example, I have already had this plan to pursue a PhD since the beginning of my Bachelor study.

I tried to find a job which earned me good income. People say that once we get married, it is a man’s responsibility to bring money for the family. A woman is not necessary to work that hard. I am just being realistic. I am now still single and I don’t know yet when I will get married. That’s why I was trying to find a job who can fund my life. Well now I am back being a student again though.

I am too highly-educated. Well, yes. In Indonesia, when you have a title beyond a master degree behind your name, the society will judge : “It will be very hard for you to find a man who fits and compatible with you”. Most of Indonesian men are intimidated by highly-educated women. Come on, guys it’s 21st century now. However, since this is my life, I never regret my decision to pursue another higher degree now.

I don’t care about my future. I know if I stayed in Indonesia now, people would have started to warn me because of my critical age. Being a thirty years old woman who is still single is considered “dangerous”. They say, when I start a family after thirty, it will be hard for me to have a kid. That makes me think : “Does the society think that a good woman is she, who can produce children?” If I say : “I stay single because I haven’t found a man who fits my standard”, they will most probably reply : “It’s because you set your standard too high”. So, it is better for me to stay calm and go on my life. So if they say I don’t care about my future because I have not settled yet in a marriage, well, I have measure the success of my life with another parameter which might be different compared to the one that they use.

Dear fellow women, we probably live our lives in different ways. I just would like to remind you, don’t let society to tell you how to behave. Each of us is unique. Each of us has our own life values. Each of us has our own fashion style. In this world dominated by men, women should have more self-respects.

Happy international women’s day!

Growing A Year Older

When I was a teenager, I imagined by the age of 30 years old I must have become a successful person, having a steady job, and married to someone. Back then, I neither had any idea that someday I will become a scientist nor having idea about someone who will possibly become my future life partner. Well, for the last one, to be honest, I still do not have any idea up until this moment.

Today I am turning 30. I know that I have been so far away from my teenage days. However, I am sure the teenage version of me is proud of this 30 years old version of me. For those people who only know me from the outside, they might think that I have a flawless life journey. They’re wrong, of course. I have gone through some obstacles in my personal life before I am –sort of- reaching my dream.

Probably some of the people out there who talk about me behind my back (well, thank you anyway) never know that it took me 5 years dealing with more than 20 application rejections before I was finally accepted as a PhD student in Germany. I could have given up my dream, but I chose not to give up.

Having been living on earth for this long also teach me about the value of friendship. I learn that friendship is not about quantity, but it is about quality. It is not important if you have known people for years or just for months. If you guys can get along, then you have to keep the friendship. I also think that the label “best friend” is too exaggerating. When your “best friend” betrays you, the feeling is worse compared to anything. So starting from last year, even when I feel comfortable being with some people, I will just call them my “good friends”.

Talking about relationship, I have learned abundant of valuable lessons. I have experienced an unrequited love. It did hurt so bad. Believe me. I also had been close with someone for some times, without any status. And last time, I had been in a relationship with the wrong person. Yes, I have failed so far in this kind of thing. But, what I learn is that we –women-must have a self- worth. We must not lower down our standards just to allow men fit in our lives. Furthermore, I also learn that in order for a relationship to work, it needs mutual effort. When the effort is only one-sided, it will never work. Anyway, big appreciation for those guys who had been brave enough coming to my life and finding it difficult to deal with me. From them, I have learned about different personalities of men and, surprisingly, I also have learned about myself.

My twenties had been the most wonderful decade in my life so far. I completed my Bachelor and Master studies and started my PhD (yes..yes..this is going to be the last degree I pursue!). I got chances to live and study abroad. I got my first job. I earned my first salary. I learned 2 foreign languages and finally can speak those languages. I travelled to many new places. Basically, I have reached like more than half of my dreams. I reached some milestones in my twenties, as well as experienced some of my “first-times”. I failed and also got up many times. I am beyond thankful!

Now that I reach my thirty, of course I hope that I can be a better person. This is my wish every year. I will still be a person who is full of flaws. But I hope I can do more good deeds in the years to come. I hope I can finish my PhD and find a good job that can fund my life in the future. Though most Indonesians think that a woman doesn’t need to be really concern to find a well-paid job as once they get married it is the husbands’ responsibility to take care of them, in my opinion, women should be financially independent no matter what. (sorry, mom. In this case we have different perspective) And I hope I will soon meet my Mr. Right (because Mr. Perfect only exists in Fiction books).

Here is to the amazing years to come!

 

Survival of The Fittest

Remember Darwin’s Theory on natural selections? Yeah, that theory more or less describes my current situation here in Germany. Yesterday a German colleague of mine asked : “Are you enjoy being in Germany?” I answered : “Yes I’m trying to get adapted with the Germans now”. An honest one, isn’t it? I’m not facing any difficulties, at least until this moment, in terms of my research project. The ones who are, a little bit freak me out is the people outside my research laboratory.

Even though it was my own decision to go to Germany and continue my study, sometimes I still find it hard to survive here. The situation that I am currently facing here is different compared to around 7 years ago when I started my Master study in UK. Although Germany and UK are European countries (at least before Brexit), both have totally different cultures. When I started my life in UK, everything went so smoothly. I spent one year there and I can say it was one of the best periods in my life. I thought the same thing occurred when I came to Germany. Well I was wrong. Throughout these almost 6 months I spent here in Germany, to be honest there were times when I really miss home.

Culture differences. The root of all problems that I have been dealing with so far. Do not start to compare between Indonesian and German culture because they are way too different. I consider myself as an open-minded person, unlike the average Indonesian. Yet, sometimes I still get a little bit offended by how the Germans act.  Yes, I know I cannot question why the Germans behave like they are. It is their culture and I must accept it if I want to stay and survive in their country. Perhaps, the main problem is language barrier. Now I know why everyone who enter this country must have at least basic understanding of the language. Most people here do not want to speak English, though actually they can speak the language. At this moment, I have already reached this point where I can speak and understand German language at the basic until early-intermediate level. But of course there are times when I experience misunderstandings.

Strong, independent, and never give up. Those are the values needed by anyone who would like to spend some time living abroad. Your intelligence and previous academic achievements can get you to win the scholarship. But it is your strength and persistency that can make you survive. Living abroad (especially in Europe) is not merely about having chances to visit those beautiful European countries. It is also a learning journey to become a responsible adult. I learn to manage all aspects of my life because here I can only depend on myself.

I always tell myself that not everyone brave enough to leave their home country to step their feet in a foreign land. So whenever I almost give up dealing with those people, with whom I don’t have any options other than dealing with, I remind myself that I am some of those brave people who have left their hometown to pursue their dreams. This too shall pass. Just face them, anyway.

One who quickly adapt with changes is one who survive.

Last but not least, I want to share one of my life’s philosophies :

Finish what you have started, despite all of the challenges you may face.

And probably I should re-think my plan to stay in this country after completing my PhD. Going back home will be a much smarter decision, I guess. Though that means I will definitely earn way lower salary compared with if I remain staying here. Oh, well I still have 2.5 years to think and re-think.

 

 

2018 : A Brand New Year

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It’s been a few years I didn’t made any resolutions to starting -off new years. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have targets to be reached. In fact, I become more productive without being burdened by resolutions and thus I achieve more.

2017 has been awesome. I believe 2018 will be much more awesome and exciting. The major part of my life will indeed be fulfilled with academic-related stuffs. More experiments are coming. Data collection and analysis are waiting. Apart from that, I am still required to attend some courses and write the exams. Life will be busy but I know I will enjoy it, as I learn something new every day.

This year, until at least the next two years, I am still living far away from home. It needs a little bit of sacrifice to reach your goals, right? Life is tough! Again, I am enjoying every second I spend living here, because this foreign country is now my home. Last year I experienced a little bit of culture shock with the Germans. But now I can already accept it. Just like what I have learned during the Intercultural Training organized by DAAD last time, we can ask about other people’s cultures but we can never question their cultures.

Even though this is my second time living abroad, but I feel that now I don’t have any options other than to be more independent and stronger. Independent and strong are two qualities that must be owned by everyone who decide to leave their homes to pursue their dreams abroad. Otherwise, you will not survive. When I face troubles, I can only depend on myself to solve them. But I take this as a process for me to become a real adult. And for me, this is the only way for me to grow up. If last year I didn’t make a big decision to pursue a doctoral degree in Germany, I would forever stay in my nest back there in Jakarta. Adulting is indeed a long and challenging process. This year of 2018 is the time for me to act like an adult. No more whining around (yes, that’s my weakness!) because whining will not solve any problems.

At the end of last year I decided to open up my heart and said “yes” to  a relationship. A long distance one. I know this is a little bit non-sense, but just let’s see if this can work. Honestly, as I get older, it doesn’t really matter anymore to me when all of my friends are already getting married and I am being the one who is still single in the gang. It’s better to wait until I find someone whom I can trust the rest of my life rather than rushing myself. Cause I am not looking for a boyfriend anymore. Boyfriends are for teenagers. I am looking for a life partner, instead.

In this year I hope I can travel to places I have never been before. Hopefully I have enough time and enough money.

And last but not least, this year I will try to be happier, I will share more smiles, I will serve God more, and I will pray more.